Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Did I show you my penis last night?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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