I'll bet she douches with gravy.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
