just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
