those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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