It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
