to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
