Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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