i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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