He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
