I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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