tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
