my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
