Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I think my moral compass just broke
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
