He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
