Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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