Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
