also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
