My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
