I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
