Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Randomize
