i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
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The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
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he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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