Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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