I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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