I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
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Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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