Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
