How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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