**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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