Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
