i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
