So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
