i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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