You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
