Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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