Me too!
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
