Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
