If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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