totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
