True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
