You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
