my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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