Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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