party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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