why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
