i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
