I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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