what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
