I love black thongs
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My ATM looks so different sober.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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