Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
