so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
