I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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