I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
