This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
