I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
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I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
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Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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