u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
