Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
