there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I will be naked everywhere
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
