When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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