ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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